Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Are we there yet?

I went to see my therapist yesterday evening, and I was so exhausted when I got home, I just vegged out in front of some Netflix I had (discs 2 and 3 of Joan of Arcadia, season 1).

We talked a little bit about why I might be so tired all the time these days. I suggested maybe it was just work stress, and that I wasn't sleeping well because of it. She had some very good suggestions, and I tried a couple of the simpler ones last night. I slept pretty well, so yaaay! I think things will improve greatly once I can get out of my current job, and into something that challenges me and makes me feel like I'm actually contributing to something worthwhile.

This waiting for a good job offer to come along feels something like what I've been feeling over the past several years regarding my gender - I just feel frozen, not progressing, not moving anywhere. It's frustrating. I'm getting good leads, but just nothing is coming through. I need to stay as positive about the whole thing as I can, otherwise I'm going to be stuck where I am for a long time, I fear.

My therapist is on vacation for the next couple weeks, so I decided to set myself a couple of tasks to complete while she's gone. The first is to start with a hair removal program; there's a place near my house, which I'm going to try calling later this week. That shouldn't be a huge difficulty, I hope. They're a business, and they want me to be a customer and give them money, so I'm sure they will be professional and non-judgemental.

The second task is going to be much harder: come out to one of my family. I know it has to happen sometime, and putting it off won't make it any easier. I had originally wanted to come out to my sister first, since she's probably the most likely to be accepting and supportive about it, but having a face-to-face conversation with her is a bit difficult these days. She's most of the way across the state, and her husband, I'm a little concerned about what his reaction might be. So I think I'm going to try coming out to my mom, maybe this weekend or maybe next. I wrote a letter, and was intending to read it to her, because the whole passive-aggressive "send a letter to your parents" thing just seems, I don't know, passive-aggressive. I'm not going to win any sympathy points by being pathetic. But of course now I'm playing the second-guessing game with myself. Is that the best idea? Is she going to freak out? I'm just not sure.

I've got to make every one of these steps, and some are going to be really hard. But I've got to do them.

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