Monday, June 16, 2008

Two steps forward...

It seems like I took a step backward yesterday. After my last couple outings, which seemed to go pretty well, I was just feeling foolish, and wondering why I would ever think I could do something like this. I spent most of the evening crying my eyes out, and ended up going to bed very early (like 8:30), and slept for about 11 hours. It did help a little bit, but it's just very frustrating that days like this come around.

So I'm moving on to second-guessing-land. I'll probably spend a lot of time over the next couple days wondering if what I'm doing is right, and what I should do. The crazy part of all this is what (I think) triggered this whole episode... I was thinking about what my friends' oldest daughter was saying. I know, she's all of three and a half, and she doesn't know much about much, but she just didn't want to hear that I was this different person last Wednesday. Not that I am a different person, but you know what I mean. I was using a different name, and presenting an apparently different gender, but I sounded the same, and above the neck I looked fundamentally the same... I don't know. I guess maybe I'm at a difficult part - nothing's changed, really, and I'm just starting to try to put my real self out there.

I'm babbling. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, even to myself. But maybe this will help me figure out just what I'm feeling.

1 comment:

obscura said...

At three, my daughter isn't going to understand the complexity of what is really going on so I'll turn it into a teachable moment about fraternal twins. Trinity has a twin brother named Will.

Later on when she is old enough to understand there will be another conversation about gender roles and society.