Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Interesting, and true

It's been a pretty uneventful day, but a good day for doing some thinking. I've spent most of it reading Questionable Content, through the almost-1200 of them. I'm fortified by Chipotle and Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate, and I've been thinking about CandiFLA's newest video.

In it, she talks about the fact that basically everybody in her life knows either "her" or "him", and she doesn't really switch back and forth for anybody. It's confusing for them, and it's confusing for her. She's trying to become "her" all the time, so I guess there's not much point for her to be "him" unless she has to.

Even though I've spent comparatively little time as "her" so far, that's becoming the case for me too. Most of the time I spend with C and E now is as "her", so much so that it's kind of awkward for me to visit with them as "him". I just feel out of place when I try.

Since I haven't made much progress with my voice yet, there's not a whole lot that I do differently between the way I present "her" and the way I present "him", other than the fact that "she" has boobs, and wears makeup, and perfume, and heels. But even with those superficial differences, it just feels different to be "her". My manner is different, and I carry myself differently; it's not really something I do consciously, but I can feel the difference, even if I can't put my finger on just what's different.

Recently, E was out of town for a couple days, and C was on-call so he was stuck in town, so I thought I'd invite him to meet for dinner. At this point, I'm in no way ready for girl-mode in public, so I met him in boring-guy-mode. I've been out in public as "him" with C literally hundreds of times over the almost-decade we've known each other, but the fact that I've interacted with him for the past couple months almost exclusively in girl-mode, that still made it extremely uncomfortable and awkward for me to try being a boy with him that one time. So evidently in my mind, I'm a girl with them now, and it's difficult for me to switch back.

This past Saturday, I went over to their house, as "him" again, to watch stage 20 of the Tour de France, since I don't have cable. It was early, and it was just a casual thing. It was slightly less awkward, but it was still a little strange for me. E remarked that it was interesting to hear me switch from talking about the guy topics C and I usually discuss, to talking about girl topics with her, just like it was no big deal. Which it isn't, since both sides are parts of me; for a nice illustration, I mentioned that sometimes when I work on my racecar, I get upset when I break a nail (or few). As we were saying our goodbyes, C gave me a kiss, which I was not expecting, and said something along the lines of "you don't need to have a dress on, to get a kiss from me." So I feel like I'm basically at a sort of impasse, some limbo state, where I need to be this other person, and I'm getting used to being this other person in some situations, but I'm not anybody new, exactly. That made absolutely no sense. I know how I feel, but it's hard to get down in words.

When I'm just around my house, it's just me there, and I know how I feel inside, and I don't spend a whole lot of time looking in the mirror, so I usually don't go through the trouble of putting on a dress and all that. I'm "her", all the time, inside. I'm not sure if C and E are starting to see only "her" when they are with me, or just what their thought process is. C once said that if boring-guy me went away, and I was only Trinity forever after, he wouldn't be upset at all. Which totally rules, of course, since that's the ultimate goal.

I really hope it will get easier, both as I become more comfortable and develop the skills to be more passable in my new social role, and as I come out to more people, and am able to present that new role more often. No, I'm sure it will get easier, it will eventually become as natural as breathing. But it will take time and work.

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