Saturday, July 12, 2008

Much ado about nothing, I guess

Wednesday went without a hitch. I mean, duh, right? I knew it would. But of course I can never let my head get in the way of a perfectly good anxiety attack. /me shakes her head. I really do hope this gets easier. I have plenty of anxiety about meeting people in boring-guy mode, but this is just crazy.

So tonight, I'm going to J and J's house, in girl mode. Girl-J is soooooooo excited to see me, it's rubbing off on me, and I'm pretty excited to, well, to be seen. We've been trading emails over the past few days, and she's been super-supportive (even more so than Guy-J, who's fantastically supportive himself), and insightful, and has even offered a little constructive criticism. She's dying to get her hands on my hair, and I'm more than glad to let her show me whatever she wants to teach me.

One comment she made that I thought was extremely interesting, was that she didn't want me to feel like a novelty item.


I must say that I had never even thought about that before. All these new girl things that I'm learning about - how to put on makeup, and how to do nails, and even how to handle simply living day-to-day with long nails, and all the rest - everything is so novel, that, if you'll forgive the odd analogy, it's like going to a circus. With all the bright lights, and strange people, and weird goings-on, it's basically just sensory overload. Moving from guy-mode to girl-mode, there are so many new sensations, never mind all the new things to learn and do, that sometimes it's difficult to take everything in.

One thing that has just completely blown me away, in all my outings so far, is the simple act of walking out the door in my halter dress. The sun was out, and there was a light breeze, and even though I was fully, decently dressed, I could feel the sun and wind on my shoulders and back. Wow! If I hadn't been quite so anxious to get in the car (it was only my second time out the door in girl-mode), I might have just stopped and enjoyed the sensation for a minute or two. Even now, weeks later, I still remember that sensation very vividly.

Breasts is another one. I wear silicone breast prostheses. They're not connected to me, and they've got no sensation of their own, other than the pressure I can feel when they're pressed up against my own chest, but it's a wholly new feeling. I am made aware that they're there - when driving, or when moving around things that are about chest-height (bonk!), or even when just sitting there breathing. It's a difficult thing to describe, but when they're there, it's just... different.

I expect that, in time, and as my body starts physically changing, a lot of the novelty will wear off, and some of the things I'm just now learning will simply become another part of the daily "thing". And on the other hand, probably some things I'll decide are just too much of a hassle, or are only special-occasion things, so I won't do them very often. And at that point, if one of my girlfriends asked to do a make-over on me, I might feel differently about it. But I'm sure I'll meet her request with grace, and accept her offer because she loves me and wants to share something with me, or even just because she wants to spend time with me.

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