Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Nothing

It's been a week since my last post, and I feel like I should say something, or at least have something to say.

Nothing's coming out. I've been stuck in my apartment, trying to neaten things up, trying to get myself to work on my voice, trying to get myself to do anything... And nothing's coming.

I've been sitting in front of the machine for a week, telling myself, "oh yeah, I'll do this, and this, and this, and it will be great!" And yet here I still sit. It's probably the fact that I'm off work until next Monday - I've got nothing really to do, so I'm not doing anything. I wanted to work on my voice, and I wanted to play with my makeup some more, and I wanted to do something fun in the kitchen, and I was thinking about maybe trying some more food photography, but most of all I want to clean up my horrifying apartment. I've done basically none of those things.

I got a few new parts for my computer yesterday, and one of them - the one I was most excited to try - didn't work right. That deflated me pretty badly. I'm actually looking forward to the tropical storm which is coming on shore right now, because it will at least be something interesting. It's starting to rain again, which buoys my spirits a little. Rain cleanses and refreshes everything, and the sound on the windows and roof is very relaxing.

I'm debating on whether to go to my therapist appointment on Wednesday in girl-mode, but I know I can't do it yet. I'd love to be able to be "her", but I'm not comfortable with some of my more masculine features. I want to get my voice to at least vaguely passable, and I'd also like to diminish this dumb beard shadow on my face, before I try getting out into the real world. It's fear, plain and simple. I'm afraid of being hurt. And not even physically - I don't want anybody to make fun of me. Those things cut deepest. But more immediately, it's another thing I wanted to do on my few days between jobs, that I haven't done, and can't do.

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