Monday, August 25, 2008

Sometimes people-watching isn't so good

I went up to Austin yesterday for the annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival. It's something of a tradition for C and I, since we're sort of pepper junkies. A lot of other people are too, so they come out in droves for the festival. And of course, that makes for some excellent people-watching.

Usually.

This year is the first year I've been to the festival, in the heavy grip of my transness. I've had some amount of being "out", but I'm still not really ready to be out out, as in out in public. So every single woman I saw, who was even vaguely cute, inspired such a cloud of jealousy in me, it was a little difficult to keep interest in being there. Sundresses, halters, tube tops, oh my! And almost every bit of it, nothing that I could wear, since all of the bumps and curves I currently have are fake.

I had a conversation about it with one of my Second Life friends, and she (a GG) said that sometimes showing less is more alluring. That's all well and good, and sometimes it is definitely true. But when I see something, and say to myself "hey, I'd love to wear something like that," and just plain old can't... it sucks.

I was trying to keep my spirits up over the rest of the afternoon, and today, but it just wasn't really happening. Despite all the good things that happened over the weekend, it ended up more frustrating than anything else. It overshadowed the very nice time I had on Saturday, when a bunch of people came for my birthday. It overshadowed the time I got to spend with E, just cooking and chatting, while the rest of the party guests were game-geeking out. It also overshadowed the very nice time I had on Friday, when Miss Trinity got her first birthday cake, complete with "1" candle, and her very first Barbie doll as a gift. It even overshadowed the fact that I didn't shave on Sunday, and didn't need to, and still didn't really need to when I got home on Sunday evening.

Sigh.

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