Sunday, December 14, 2008

Confidence, or the complete lack of same

It wasn't the best week ever.

Not even close.

I'm not quite sure what I should expect, with any aspect of my transformation. Should I have some sort of master plan, in which I can say, "ok, here's what will happen next"? I have an outline, but I'm just sort of fleshing things out as I go along. I'm pretty sure I know all the big things I need to accomplish, but there are so many small details, it's almost overwhelming.

Wednesday, I saw my therapist. It was a very different kind of session. Instead of just talking about things, she actually became somewhat accusative, and most definitely NOT supportive. She declared my attempt at a female voice to be "whiny and pitiful". I know my voice isn't good, and I've said so on many occasions, both here, and in real life. I try, but I'm not able to make any progress. I don't know what I need to sound like, and I don't know what I need to do to sound "better". I just don't know. The only feedback I get is listening to recordings of myself, and saying, "ok, that's not very good," and not knowing what to do next. I've been thinking about seeing a voice therapist, who would surely be more help than the nothing I have now.

On Thursday, I had a good long talk with E, about all this stuff. I count on her, as the only girl I spend any amount of time around, to give me feedback. When I'm trying too hard, when I'm not trying hard enough, when I'm just missing something entirely, or even when I get something just right. She said it was hard for her to help me with my voice; she did say she could definitely hear a difference between when I was trying and when I was just using my mundane voice, but not any one thing that she felt was missing. She's unable to give any constructive feedback, because, like me, she just doesn't know what I need to do.

The conversation went on from there. I'm very unsure of a lot of things. Women my age have had the benefit of a few decades of experience, and perhaps a decade of trial and error in their single-digits and teens, to get things right. I have to compress that lifetime into several months or a year. I have to start from age 8 or so, and get through to age 37, before I even get out the door. I don't get any trial-and-error time. That wouldn't befit a woman of my age. I don't get to experiment, except in my own house, in front of my mirror, where I get no feedback. Most girls have the support of their mothers, who have that lifetime of experience and can pass it on to their daughters. My mom is anything but supportive, and views my whole predicament as anything but a fun adventure. My sister seems even less supportive than my mom. Most girls also have, perhaps even more important than their family, the support of their group of friends, who can learn with them and help them along the way. I have one, who's already learned about everything she needs, and has her own extremely complicated life to deal with. The other few women I know, it's just so hard to get to visit with them, because they have their own complicated lives to deal with. I'm sure they understand, and are sympathetic to what I have to do, but that doesn't magically take care of their families, or jobs, or school, or distance between us, or any of the other complicated parts. I know they love me, and want to help me if they can. I don't want to impose on anyone's goodwill, but I sort of need to. I need help, and I'm not getting the help I need. But beyond that, there is so much help that I'm sure I need, it's next to impossible to know where to start.

I feel certain that if I can make even a little breakthrough, that a lot of other things might start falling into place. Confidence breeds more confidence. I have very little confidence right now, and I need to find some, someplace.

1 comment:

obscura said...

I wonder if you could do something like a voxswap group to help with voice training?