Saturday, September 27, 2008

Much ado about...

Not nothing, that's for very sure! I went to the TATS group session this afternoon, and despite all my anxiety, and my poor sleep last night, and my nausea this afternoon, it was a very uplifting experience. I didn't say much at all, but the people there were all very helpful. There were a whole range of people there, from people who appeared to be just starting out, to people who were done with their transitions, including several points in between, to a couple of significant others. There were both transwomen and transmen. Everybody had a lot of insightful and helpful things to say. After the meeting, I spent a little time talking with one person, who invited me to participate in some of the weekly meetings they have, on Mondays and Thursdays. The Monday sessions seem like they would be most practical for me; I may not go this Monday, but I will definitely try to get to a meeting very soon.

As for the rest of my evening, my potential date-thing, well, it just didn't happen. It's a long story, and it's really not worth telling anyway. So I went to the car-guys meeting. I had to race home to change back to boring-guy me, which, after the excellent meeting, was the biggest downer of the day. It was a light turnout, but the one person who I wanted to see was there, and none the worse for wear, despite his house being destroyed by flooding.

In other news, E made a little slip of the tongue this morning, and made reference to "Trinity" to someone who wasn't in the loop. Notice the past-tense there: E and I came out to J this morning. Her response was "I want to see." E gushed a little bit about how cute I am, which made me feel pretty good. So I guess J will get to see sometime soon. I told her Friday, so we'll see if she comes.

I'm afraid this post isn't too coherent - I'm about to fall face-first into the keyboard. Off to dreamy-land with me!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Too many choices

This Saturday is the monthly support group meeting, and I'm having a little bit of trouble deciding whether I want to go in femme-mode or boring-guy-mode. This will be the first time I'll be going, and I don't really know anything about the rest of the group members. I mean, they're all trans people, so I'm sure they'll understand and be supportive. I've already more-or-less convinced myself that I'll be in girl-mode for that meeting, but there's still a little bit of anxiety about meeting new people, and in my new form.

The monthly meet of the car guys is later that evening, and I'm not sure if I want to go to that or not. I would definitely need to change back to boring-guy-mode, which, frankly, I don't want to have to do. But there are a couple people who will be there who I'd like to see, to make sure they're ok after the storm. There is also a taiko drum performance at the outdoor theatre this Saturday evening, that I'd like to see; if the person I want to invite wants to go, I would like to attend in girl-mode. It'll be getting dark by the time the performance starts, which should make me feel a little more comfortable. The whole anxiety thing about being seen and judged is what's really being difficult right now, and I think the dark might help that a little bit.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Uneventful week, I guess

It's been several days since I've made a post.  Life just continues to roll along...

The city is still trying to recover from the recent hurricane, and many parts of the city are still without power.  Many traffic lights are still dark.  A couple of my friends who live closer to the coast have not been very lucky; one just sent a text message today that his house is uninhabitable.  Some of his things were salvageable, and some not.  It's terrible, but Mother Nature is not to be denied.

K and L, who live a bit north, are still without power.  I offered them any help they needed, so they're coming to stay on Saturday night, for a little air-conditioning.  The cold front was nice, but it's not quite the same.  Modern houses, especially houses around here, are not designed for natural circulation; central air or fans are basically required now, and of course without electricity, we have neither.  So, it's the least I can do to give them some air-conditioned sleep.

I ran into an old friend on Second Life this week, someone who I haven't had a chance to talk to for a few months.  Things were left in a bit of a bad state, but we've patched things up.  I didn't realize how much I'd missed her.  We've both been through some pretty dramatic growth and change since we lost contact, all for the better, so yaaay for both of us!

I'm at C and E's now, just poking around before we get ready for dinner.  I actually managed three femme days this week - Monday, Wednesday, and  today.  It's starting to become, well, usual.  Monday, when I was on my way to my car, there was a work crew busy cleaning up the hurricane debris.  I marched right through the middle of the group, and barely had a second thought about doing it.  That's not to say that I didn't have a whole ton of anxiety about doing it, but I did it nonetheless.  But all three times I've been out this week, I've been very comfortable with myself, once I got out the door.  I think the next step is to start getting out where there are more people, and people who don't know me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Hurricane Ugh

I made it through the hurricane none the worse for wear. I went to C and E's, because they offered, and it was a whole lot less stressful to be with other people through that. I didn't sleep much, and the power was off so it was stuffy and uncomfortable, but we and the house were ok. I went back to my own apartment about mid-afternoon, and found that there was no damage there either. So all was pretty well.

I still have no power, and I have relocated to my parents' place, who do have power and phone. I was so tired of being sweaty just from sitting there. A cold front is supposed to be arriving tonight, so even if the power isn't on tomorrow, it won't be nearly as hot and humid.

I managed to talk to my sister yesterday afternoon, and the conversation started fairly well, but went downhill pretty quickly. She became selfish and demanding. She asked if I'd told my dad yet. She said that she didn't like it that she and my mom knew, but he didn't. She also asked if I'd been to see a psychiatrist yet, which I have no intention of doing. My therapist is giving me exactly the kind of support that I want and need. She thinks that my therapist's credentials are insufficient to support me. She's continually questioning my judgement, and belittling me.

The phone call ended abruptly, and I think it'll be a long time before I'll want to talk to her again. It's all up to her; if she's going to be a bitch about things, then she's basically removing herself from the group of people with whom I want to interact. There's no reason I have to put up with somebody who treats me that way. J has said that life is too short to spend it dealing with people you don't like. I totally agree, but it's a shame when those people are family. So it kind of seems like I don't have a sister right now.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Well bummer!

It's been a nice week so far - two femme outings in two days, including my therapist's office yesterday (which went well, and we had a very helpful discussion). Unfortunately, though, my usual Friday outing to C&E's house is interrupted this week. Here in Houston, we're currently awaiting the arrival of hurricane Ike, and C offered his house for a group shelter, which I gratefully accepted. It's not that I think my apartment is going to blow away or anything, but with weather like this, it's a lot less stressful to be with other people, just in case anything bad happens. Unfortunately for me, he has invited some other people to shelter there, many of whom don't know about my trans nature, so it looks like my three-in-three week just crashed.

One of the things I've noticed, the more I get out there in girl-mode, after I get over the anxiety of being laughed at or whatever, is how comfortable I feel. I can just relax and be me, and not have to worry about anything. That's the whole point of this odyssey, of course, so I guess we're finding out that it's working. I just have to get over that anxiety, and that's most of what my therapist and I talked about this last session. I'm also finding that I'm almost looking for excuses to get out there in girl-mode too, which I didn't exactly expect. It doesn't really surprise me, but it's one of those little details that most people probably wouldn't think about.

An interesting, amusing note: I was ma'am'ed at the grocery store this morning, from the side, and while I was presenting male. It's usually from the back, and they usually get all flustered when they realize what they have apparently done. She didn't though; she just sailed on ahead and wanted to make sure everything was ok for me, which I assured her was true. She had plenty else on her mind - it's crazy-shopping today, with everybody getting last minute water and canned foods for the hurricane - so she might not have even noticed what she said.

As the hurricane nears, many friends on the net have asked if I'm safe. Yes, I am as safe as I can be in this situation. I will be with other very capable people, in a solid building, pretty far away from the shore, in a place that doesn't flood. My apartment complex does not flood either, and my unit is in the middle of the building, so there are plenty of solid walls around me. I have water and food for at least a few days, and a couple different means to cook, and a full tank of fuel in my car. If things get really bad, I am also armed. I also have insurance, so if my apartment does blow away, or a tree falls on my car, it will be ok anyway.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Big hugs!

I spent the evening with C and E. It was sort of a spur of the moment thing, or as spur-of-the-moment a day in advance can be. It felt great to go over and spend time with them. I was running late because of work, but once I got there, all my troubles just melted away. We just enjoyed each other's company, and had some very nice conversation, and I went home with a big smile on my face. I simply enjoyed being there. I just have to hug myself.

I talked to C about going to his piercer sometime soon. I want to get my ears pierced, and it's probably better to have it done by a professional piercer, rather than some minimum wage person in the mall with a gun. I'm also considering getting an industrial at some point, but I don't think that will be this first time.

I may actually get three outings in three days this week. Tonight and Friday at C&E's, and then I also have a fairly late therapy appointment tomorrow evening, so if I can get home at a decent time, I'm going to try to go in girl-mode this time.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's ba-a-ack

This morning, the mirror revealed some disturbing, but not unexpected news: my beard shadow is coming back. Not the whole thing yet, but I could very clearly see a scattering of dark hairs poking through the skin. For the past week, I've had some growth, but it was only very very light hairs; I had to shave every other day, but it was still basically invisible. And now, the visible stuff is coming back. I was hoping the period of no hair would be a bit longer, but I guess that's all I get for right now. It sure was nice to not have to be self-conscious of that masculine feature for a little while.

The nurse at the laser clinic said that I would probably have my next appointment at 3 months, which would put it in early November. I hope that the swelling and pain in my skin is less next time, since there will be less hair to cause trouble. Time will tell.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Sigh, I did it again

I have come to the realization that I picked the wrong job, yet again. In my rush to get out of the hellhole that was my previous job, I took another position which threatens to be even more mind-numbingly dull. It's pretty obvious that the management of my group has NO experience in doing what they're trying to do, so they're trying to guess what's going to happen, and getting it so soo wrong. Now I realize that both (a) I'm not very high on the food chain, and (b) I've only got a little over a year of experience in the market segment we're in, so it's pretty obvious that they're not going to listen to me. Not that they'll probably even ask, but whatever.

That old idea that I need to get myself into a different industry has come back over the last several days. And like before, I'm still not sure what else I should do. I've got a couple ideas, and both of them are likely to be difficult and very likely to fail, and probably won't make a whole lot of money to start out. But one of them could possibly start as a weekend thing, and grow into a full time job, so that's something interesting to consider. I'll just have to think about how much I want to get out of what I'm doing now, and how much pain I'm willing to endure to do it.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Pretty good weekend

I spent the evening with L last night, and everything went well. We had lasagna and garlic bread, and for dessert we had maple custard pie. After we ate, we played Scrabble, and then we watched an on-demand movie - the 1940 production of Pride and Prejudice. Young-L was pretty well behaved; she drew a bunch of pictures for us while we Scrabbled. K was at work, and I was hoping he'd get out early enough to spend some time with him as well, but it got really late. Rather than fall asleep on the road, I went home. We'll have to try again some day soon when K isn't at work, so we can all visit together.

I was hoping I might have a chance to get out and do something today, but nothing really came up. I spent most of the day playing Fantastic Contraption, and playing with my trebuchet in Second Life.