Saturday, February 28, 2009

Interesting week

It's been a really affirming week for me. I've felt a good bit more confidence than I have in a while, and rather than try to analyze where it came from, I'll just roll with it. If it sticks around, I'll be in good shape for, oh, the rest of my life.

Thursday, I spent some time out doing some night photography with the BIG camera. L came out to do some shooting of her own, and I gave her a crash course on the view camera. As we were winding down for the evening, we talked a bit about blogs and twitter streams, and went our separate ways. After I sent her a thank-you tweet, she did a little searching and found this very blog. I hadn't told her anything about my blogging topic, but she reacted really well, and now is apparently in the process of reading ALL the posts here. Hi L, glad you decided to stay!

I also had another impromptu coming-out experience yesterday. I'm on the hunt for yet another new job, and a coworker received a posting which he thought might interest me, so he sent it along. I responded, sent my resume, and asked the recruiter to call to discuss the position. She did call, and in the conversation, she asked what the main things I wanted from a new job. Not wanting to give everything away, I told her that one of the things I wanted was a company with a progressive employment opportunity policy. She misunderstood what I was saying, so I thought it best to spell things out explicitly - I came out to her, told her that I was in the middle of a gender transition, and that I needed a company that could roll with that. She got a little flustered - I'd bet that she's never heard something like that from a job candidate - but she reacted well.

I had an interesting conversation with C last night, after relating the recruiter story. He asked if it might be an appropriate time to start presenting female while interviewing for new jobs, in effect to make the change to full time without the need for changing managers' and coworkers' expectations. It's definitely something to think about. Everyone would be clear on just what is going on, and who they'll be getting, and there would be no surprises. It's a far less-crazy idea than some I've had lately. Once I actually get some interviews, I'll have to do some hard thinking about it.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Great night!

Yesterday was interesting. I had been talking with K about him coming to visit on Friday, and mentioned that I usually go to C and E's for dinner, and that he should come along. I had, however, neglected to mention that I go there in girl-mode on Fridays. Slight oversight. Oops.

Momentary giggling ensues.

I told him about this as he was about to leave, and he didn't have too much to say at that point, other than he had "some questions about that." Fair enough; we hadn't talked about it at all since I came out to him, and he's had almost two months to wonder just what the heck I was talking about. So he appeared as I was finishing making myself beautiful, and he didn't really bat an eye. Once we walked outside to get in the car, my usual anxiety had all but disappeared, which felt great.

Everything was completely uneventful. We visited, and ate spaghetti, and watched a hilarious old Bill Cosby standup routine from cable-on-demand. I was laughing so hard at a couple points, there were tears coming to my eyes. During a couple of the funniest spots, I almost felt like I was going to burst into tears; I surely didn't expect that, and have no idea where it came from. But everybody had a really good time. C eventually booted us out, because he had a bike ride this morning.

On the drive home, I asked K what questions he had for me. They were simple and innocuous, and I answered them as best I could. He asked one of the questions which I always expect to hear, but never do: are you into guys? No, I said, I like girls, but sexuality and gender identity don't really have much to do with each other anyway. He also said that if I answered the phone in my girl(ish) voice, he wouldn't recognize me. Which is fine, I suppose. I countered by telling him that it will be a learning process for everyone, to learn not only my new name, but a new set of pronouns, and getting used to hearing a new voice, and seeing a different-looking person when I'm around. It seems like he's still processing all the new stuff, so I'll just be patient with him.

Today, I was supposed to go back over to C and E's, where S was doing sushi night. C called at around 4:30 to say that they were getting things going, but by then I was having to prop my eyelids open. I said I'd be along in a while, but then realized that I had no chance of being anything other than a lump. So I messaged to say I wouldn't be coming, and took a two-hour nap. I felt like a complete bitch for doing it, but it wouldn't have been pleasant for anyone had I gone.

After all is said and done, it's been a really good weekend. Life is good.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Getting jiggly with it?

Since I've been on the HRT for a couple months now, I've definitely had some growth in my breasts. They're almost to a point now where they seem kind of... jiggly. The aereolae are growing in size, and the nipple itself is flattening and expanding a bit, and there's definitely a mound there. They've stopped hurting for the most part, though when I brush across them with the seatbelt in the car, or the strap of my messenger bag, I get a shock of pain. They've been itchy today, but I have to be careful - itch the wrong place, and ouch!

I was supposed to go over to K and L's tonight for dinner, but something came up, so we had to reschedule for next week. I find it rather interesting that since K, one of my closest friends who has known me as only a boy for almost 20 years, has never seen me as a girl before, that I don't have a lot more anxiety about it. It's just a thing.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Stay with what works

Since the endocrinologist increased my dosage of estradiol, I've been feeling not nearly as good as I was initially. My depression has more or less returned, and I haven't been sleeping restfully, I've had no energy or motivation, and the big clincher this morning - I woke up with a headache. Last time I saw the doctor, he said that headaches and/or high blood pressure are signs that the dosage is too high. I've had a few other very minor headaches since the dosage change, but didn't think they were bad enough to even be called "headache".

So instead of two estradiol tablets, this morning I only took one. It worked great before, so I'm going to go back to that.

Speaking of which, I need to go fill my prescription tomorrow, since it will run out on Sunday. I should call the pharmacy to make sure they're actually open tomorrow, to avoid any bad surprises.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

New template

I wanted to tone down that super-intense hot pink along the sides of this template, and it ended up just turning into a general redesign of sorts. I stuck with the pink, for the most part (ok, for the whole part), but simplified everything.

The one thing that I wanted to do with the new layout, I'm not sure how to do, or if it's even possible. The stuff div over on the right is explicitly sized, and I want the content div (this box) to resize dynamically in the horizontal dimension to fill the rest of the space, and have both divs pinned to the top of the other div which contains them both. It's simple with tables, but those are just lame in this age of CSS-is-the-new-tables. Please, comment, email, whatever, if you know how to do that.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A most uncomfortable experience

One of the most uncomfortable experiences I've had in a while. Lunch with some of the guys from the office.

At Hooters.

Yes, that tasteful bastion of youthful pulchritude. Girls in tight tank tops and short shorts, looking so...


So I'm not sure if the really uncomforable part was the fact that there were all these lovely young women there, causing me massive amounts of jealousy, or if it was the way my coworkers were talking about and looking at the waitresses. I think it might have been a bit of both.

Now that I'm starting to change, I can start to see some of the ways my body will betray me, and not live up to that beautiful image that's in my head. Intellectually, I've always known that was a given, but it's coming home in a big way lately. Seeing all those attractive girls just reinforced those feelings - there's no way I'll be able to do that. It's maybe possible, but it's not likely. Hormones aren't that powerful, are they?

And on the flip side, how will my coworkers talk about me? Will they make comments about me, or stare at me in similar ways? I'm not sure I like that a whole lot. Of course I have very little interest in men, but there are lots of men out there, and they'll look at me. Men look, it's what they do. But further than that, how will they react to my trans-ness? Will they look badly on me? My friends are one thing; they choose to know me and care about me. My coworkers don't know me because they want to, but because we work together and they have to deal with me. They don't get to choose to be there with me. Well, technically they do, but for all practical purposes, we just got thrown into the same pot, and they're stuck with me.

I expect that's one of the biggest parts of transitioning on the job: balancing people's beliefs with their need to be able to work with someone. Some people don't invest much in their workplace and coworkers, and others do. Sometimes we can find our best friends at work, and sometimes they're just people we spend a lot of time with because we have to. My job is on shaky ground right now because of some other factors, so this particular group may not even come into play, but it's bound to be true at any job.