Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A most uncomfortable experience

One of the most uncomfortable experiences I've had in a while. Lunch with some of the guys from the office.

At Hooters.

Yes, that tasteful bastion of youthful pulchritude. Girls in tight tank tops and short shorts, looking so...

Hmmm.

So I'm not sure if the really uncomforable part was the fact that there were all these lovely young women there, causing me massive amounts of jealousy, or if it was the way my coworkers were talking about and looking at the waitresses. I think it might have been a bit of both.

Now that I'm starting to change, I can start to see some of the ways my body will betray me, and not live up to that beautiful image that's in my head. Intellectually, I've always known that was a given, but it's coming home in a big way lately. Seeing all those attractive girls just reinforced those feelings - there's no way I'll be able to do that. It's maybe possible, but it's not likely. Hormones aren't that powerful, are they?

And on the flip side, how will my coworkers talk about me? Will they make comments about me, or stare at me in similar ways? I'm not sure I like that a whole lot. Of course I have very little interest in men, but there are lots of men out there, and they'll look at me. Men look, it's what they do. But further than that, how will they react to my trans-ness? Will they look badly on me? My friends are one thing; they choose to know me and care about me. My coworkers don't know me because they want to, but because we work together and they have to deal with me. They don't get to choose to be there with me. Well, technically they do, but for all practical purposes, we just got thrown into the same pot, and they're stuck with me.

I expect that's one of the biggest parts of transitioning on the job: balancing people's beliefs with their need to be able to work with someone. Some people don't invest much in their workplace and coworkers, and others do. Sometimes we can find our best friends at work, and sometimes they're just people we spend a lot of time with because we have to. My job is on shaky ground right now because of some other factors, so this particular group may not even come into play, but it's bound to be true at any job.

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