Friday, March 13, 2009

Back and forth

Today was a bit of a weird day for me. I'm off work on Fridays, so some friends came over to help me put the engine back into my race car. They say it's because they want me to be happy about my car again, and I say it's so I can sell the thing. But whatever. The foremost question in my mind this morning was "how I should present today?"

C came over first. Since we had hit a roadblock in our work, and were having K pick something up at the parts store on his way over so we could get past the block, we went up to the kitchen and I started making a pizza crust for lunch. He came out with "so I guess you're just in boring-guy mode today?" I was feeling rather amorphous, and wasn't sure, but he sort of clarified things for me a little bit. Depending on the top I'm wearing, my booblets range between not-really-there, and decently visible. My clothes today went to the decently-visible end, which C also commented on. So I'm in something of a middle ground, not feeling one or the other, not looking one or the other, really.

So anyway, I just was today. Just me. Whatever that may be right now.

My therapist has commented that I'm "coasting". I'm not making any emotional progress. I'm not taking steps to present myself in my preferred role more often, or to many new people. I'm not making any progress to reducing my anxiety. And she's absolutely right. Today would have been a great day to make an effort to present female, and still do my car work with my friends, but I didn't make that effort. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it; next time there is an opportunity like this, I need to take advantage of it. It will help me, and it will help everyone else too.

Later in the afternoon, once we got the engine in and bolted up, C and K left to go back to C's house, and I hurried to make myself beautiful, to go over and make dinner for everyone. All the food was good, and I think everybody had a good time tonight. I felt really good, which was a good contrast to a day of feeling weird. I'm totally worn out, but I got a lot done today. I always feel better when I accomplish something, and today I accomplished several somethings. I have plenty more somethings which need doing, but they can wait for tomorrow.


Udge said...

Hello Trin, I found you via your comment at Jubi's blog.

I'm really pleased to read how well the transition is going, and how supportive your friends are. You chose them well! Pity about your bosses, but (1) they still might surprise you, and (2) if that's the case you are better off elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kind words Udge. I think, from some things I've seen at the office since I made this post, I may just be ok at my work after all. Only time will tell.