Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Is it working?

We always hear about how getting rid of the poison testosterone and going on estrogen will calm our moods and make us more gentle and happy. I'm thinking that either that's a big load of bunk, or something isn't working for me.

I'm on call at work. For those non-IT people out there, that means that if there's a problem in the middle of the night, and the guys who are in the office can't fix it, they call me. Anyone who has to go on call can tell you: being on call pretty well stinks. It doesn't make me happy, regardless of how much I am actually called. I don't do well with interrupted sleep schedules, and I certainly don't do well with people who seem wilfully ignorant or purposefully difficult, both of which my company seems to have in long supply.

I got a call tonight from the guy in the office who seems to lack any capacity to actually learn anything, about a ticket from the most purposefully difficult customer we have. As if that wasn't bad enough, my wifi signal kept having troubles, and my VPN connection kept dropping, and all sorts of other stupid technical hurdles kept leaping into my path. I left C & E's house, where I was attempting (and critically failing) to enjoy the company and the evening. On the drive home, I had to keep telling myself to keep the throttle off the floor. I kept wondering why I was having thoughts of utterly destroying my unhelpful laptop, literally breaking it in half, and other thoughts of reading the customer the absolute riot act, followed by some Inquisition-style retribution.

Seems a little extreme, doesn't it? It certainly did to me; I haven't felt rage like that in years. But it made me think: isn't all this hormone therapy supposed to moderate that a little? Calm me down?

I almost burst into tears a couple times during the drive home. Once I got home and took another look at the customer's snark, verified that he was in fact lying, and plonked down a "you're wrong and here's why" response to the ticket, my rage evaporated pretty quickly. I sent a few tweets to my friends, and felt a whole lot better. But it was just the intensity of the whole thing that rather shocked me. I can only shake my head and wonder. I would really like some hugs right now too, but that will have to wait until tomorrow evening.

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