I finally had a good opportunity to talk with my mom. We've both been avoiding the subject of my transness and my impending changes for a long time, and it was time for us, as the walrus says, to speak of many things.
I told her that I have been on my HRT since mid December. I told her that when I go over to my friends' houses for dinner, I present femme. She didn't quite understand, so I explained what that means. That scared her, and she said that she is NOT ready to see me in girl-mode. When she admitted that she still doesn't understand the basic idea of why this is and why I have to do what I'm doing, I tried some other ways to explain. Some may have gotten through, but I think she's still pretty mystified. I let her know that this mystifies me sometimes, too.
She told me that she's afraid for me, and afraid that she'll completely lose her son. I couldn't comfort her on that, because she will. We talked about the future, and what each of us expects as we move along. She also told me that my sister is furious with me, which rather surprised me. I knew she was upset, but I had no idea of the depth of her feelings. We also talked about some other family stuff that's going on. I related some of the ideas that I've discussed with my therapist. Some were true revelations to her, and some helped her to realize that it's not just her.
The most important thing that we talked about, I think, was that she wants to know what's going on with me, even if it upsets her. Her reasoning is that it will get her to think about it more, which should force her to confront the way she feels about it, rather than avoiding it as she has been doing. But she assured me that she's willing to try, even if the things I have to tell her upset her.
At one point, she said that she's dreading telling her friends about me. I told her about some of my coming-out experiences, and some of the reactions of my friends. I assured her that I understand all about that, and that it's a hard thing to do. I talked a little about how helpful my experiences with talking to other trans people were, and suggested that it might be helpful for her to talk with some other parents of LGBT people, to see some other perspectives. She was somewhat open to that idea. I did a little checking and the local PFLAG folks have meetings twice monthly, so I'll pass the info along to her.
We talked for about three hours. We spent as much time sitting in silence as we did talking; each of us was absorbed in her own thoughts. But I think it was very productive, and we each got a lot of things out into the open, which had remained unsaid for too long.
The Collapsing Empire
1 day ago