Friday, April 24, 2009

What's in a name?

Not much has been going on lately, which will hopefully explain the lack of new posts. And if it's not a good enough explanation for you, laziness is probably as close to the truth as anything else. Maybe some of that coasting I mentioned several posts ago, too.

Lately, increasingly, I have noticed that when people call me by my given name, it's starting to sound weird to me. Like "who are they talking about?" weird.

I'm not really sure what to think about that.

I spend most of my time out of the house in boring-guy-mode still, and I've spent how many ever years before this answering to that name. So why now? Why, when I hear my chosen name maybe 4 or 6 hours a week, is that starting to become more normal for me than the one I've heard for so long? The whole thing just boggles my mind.

I certainly will not complain that I'm getting used to my new name. After all, it's one that I have picked, and one that I like a whole lot. That's what people will call me all the time in the future. From reading some blogs and accounts from other trans people, it took them a bit of time to get used to hearing their new name all the time. So maybe I'm getting that out of the way early?

Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I've started feeling more amorphous and not-one-not-the-other lately. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere in the middle now; the changes are occurring, but not fast enough, while on the other hand I don't feel like I've made enough progress with coming out, and with my voice, and with this and that and the other. I have a whole list of things in my head that I haven't done, or haven't done well enough, and yet I want all this to be done with tomorrow.

While I'm on the name topic, I've been wondering if I should keep my last name, or go with something new. I don't have, say, a business, or a spouse, or anything that really ties me to that name. Of course the family part is there, but girls change their names all the time when they get married, and that's never a huge deal. And from a purely aesthetic standpoint, I don't think my last name sounds good with my other new names. I welcome those who know my last name to say my whole name out loud, and listen how it sounds. Doesn't really flow well, does it?

I've been thinking about something really short, a single syllable, with a bit of percussive sound to it - Quirk, Quinn, Scott, something along those lines. I used to know a girl with the last name of Quirk, and always thought it was a really cute name. It's distinctive, and it's fun, and it flows well with the rest of my name. And perhaps most important, I like it a whole lot. Trinity Annabelle Quirk. Trinity Quirk. And for the Unix nerd in me, tquirk is almost an entirely top-row username.

J once said that through this whole transition process, I get to become exactly who I want to be. Name, appearance (within limits), how I carry myself, everything. I can be exactly the person who makes me the happiest. It's both a sobering thought, and an amazingly inspirational one.

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