Friday, May 22, 2009

The terror of being me

Always, it seems to go back to fear.

I have three phone calls I need to make today, or at least sometime soon, and I am petrified of making any of the three.

The first is to a local voice therapist, who I found through a friend of a friend, and who apparently works with many trans people. Based on experience alone, I'm sure she knows what she's doing, and surely she won't judge me. My voice is something that causes me continual anxiety when I'm in femme mode, and working with a voice therapist would help me sound better, and help ease my emotional stress. Wouldn't it? My what-if gland (I'm convinced I have this superfluous organ inside me) is spewing out the garbage. "What if you just can't do it?" "What if she laughs at you?" "What if you totally stink and it takes years?" All completely irrational. Completely. What is wrong with me?

The second is to a plastic surgeon in Chicago who does facial feminization procedures. I'll be driving through Chicago in early July, so it might be nice to use that opportunity to schedule an in-person consultation. This is a big step, and I can somewhat understand why I'm so upset about it. The time window is at least part of it; the time when I'll be there is fast approaching, and I don't like having to work on deadlines. And also what-if (dammit) he's not available on any of the days when I'll be there? The more I delay, of course, the more chance there is of that happening.

The last one, and this one just makes me laugh at how stupid and irrational all this is, is to the laser clinic which did my facial laser work. I'd like to have my legs and bottom done. To do that, however, I will have to take my panties off in front of a stranger, which has never filled me with joy. Add to that the fact that I am still male-bodied, and I have long since thrown away all my boy underwear. On the other hand, I have been treated with nothing but respect and friendliness when I have called and when I have been there. And I'm sure that they treat lots of people with all kinds of reasons for having these procedures done.

I'm sitting here shaking my head at how irrational and foolish all this is. I have just outlined most of the fears I have about each call I need to make. And yet my hands are still quivering, and the tears are still rolling down my cheeks. I just don't understand.

1 comment:

Jubilant said...

Awwwwww, sweetheart, I sympathize, I really do. Many times fear has kept me from doing things I've desperately wanted to do. What helps me is not doing it alone. I often bookend scary calls, which means I call a trusted friend before and after the call.

I have long since stopped trying to understand my emotions, though. They're not logical, as Spock is fond of saying.