I've had a sneaking feeling in my heart for some time now, that with all this physical change, I'm on the verge of some sort of emotional or personal change too. There's some sort of big inflection point lurking out there, and I'm rushing headlong toward it. I don't know when I'll get there, and I don't know what will happen when I do reach it. And perhaps that's what is making me so crazy about the whole thing - I don't usually do well with The Unknown.
Lately, I've just wanted to take a breath and take a break from everything. Everything that I do that's typical, I just want to stop for a while. Take another look. See if it's really working.
But I worry that in all this pausing and reexamination, if I'm just trying to disconnect. I've spent all these years of my life being disconnected from everything, including myself. Now I'm able to connect on a real level with other people, and most importantly with myself. I am making connections. So why would I want to question those? Why would I want to risk those connections? Could it be too much, too fast? Or is it something else?
My mom has commented that since I've started coming out, that I've seemed much busier. And I certainly have been - I visit people, and do things online with people; for once, I've got a reasonably full social schedule. A bit limited, but I'm out and connecting with people. Busy in that way is good, isn't it? Well, for somebody who has always treasured her personal time, busy isn't quite as good as it sounds. I have basically one day each week when I can do my own thing, and most of the time I'm too tired on that day, so I end up doing nothing. And that frustrates me to no end. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.
I'm going to have to spend some more time figuring this out. Maybe I can take a partial break from some things. Pare down, but not cut off. I'm pretty mercenary with my time with work, but I don't want to be some unavailable ice-queen in my personal life too. I want to keep those connections that I've made. I want to make new connections. And I want to strike out and try some new things. To have the time to try new things. And maybe more importantly, to have the courage to try new things.
dead trees give no shelter
2 hours ago