Friday, June 12, 2009

A new page?

I've had a sneaking feeling in my heart for some time now, that with all this physical change, I'm on the verge of some sort of emotional or personal change too. There's some sort of big inflection point lurking out there, and I'm rushing headlong toward it. I don't know when I'll get there, and I don't know what will happen when I do reach it. And perhaps that's what is making me so crazy about the whole thing - I don't usually do well with The Unknown.

Lately, I've just wanted to take a breath and take a break from everything. Everything that I do that's typical, I just want to stop for a while. Take another look. See if it's really working.

But I worry that in all this pausing and reexamination, if I'm just trying to disconnect. I've spent all these years of my life being disconnected from everything, including myself. Now I'm able to connect on a real level with other people, and most importantly with myself. I am making connections. So why would I want to question those? Why would I want to risk those connections? Could it be too much, too fast? Or is it something else?

My mom has commented that since I've started coming out, that I've seemed much busier. And I certainly have been - I visit people, and do things online with people; for once, I've got a reasonably full social schedule. A bit limited, but I'm out and connecting with people. Busy in that way is good, isn't it? Well, for somebody who has always treasured her personal time, busy isn't quite as good as it sounds. I have basically one day each week when I can do my own thing, and most of the time I'm too tired on that day, so I end up doing nothing. And that frustrates me to no end. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.

I'm going to have to spend some more time figuring this out. Maybe I can take a partial break from some things. Pare down, but not cut off. I'm pretty mercenary with my time with work, but I don't want to be some unavailable ice-queen in my personal life too. I want to keep those connections that I've made. I want to make new connections. And I want to strike out and try some new things. To have the time to try new things. And maybe more importantly, to have the courage to try new things.


laanba said...

Totally been there. My experience ended in a crash and burn. I would say from my experience is that paring down is a good idea. Keep doing what you are doing, but make sure you take some personal time for yourself.

Trinity Annabelle said...

Unfortunately, to take some personal time, something else has to give. So somehow I need to figure out which thing gets cut, and in the process which person or people get cut, and I think that's the part that's causing me stress. That's kind of hard to tell someone, in effect, that they're not so important to me, that I'd rather stay home by myself than visit them. Most everyone in my life has been there for a long time, and they've stood by me through everything, including all this madness that's going on right now. I want to stand by the people who stand by me.

My sister said once that we have friends for reasons, and for seasons, and for lifetimes. Could this be the closing of a season for me? I shudder to think. All the effort I've put into maintaining the relationships I have, can't have been for naught. To even have that thought is rather depressing. Most of the people with whom I spend my time seem like the "lifetime" friends. I'm not getting a new life, I'm just changing the one I have.

It sounds a lot like I'm answering my own questions here, and I really don't like the answers that I'm hearing.

Jubilant said...

Trin dear,

It's possible to withdraw temporarily (I need some time alone and I'll get back to you) or partially (I see you every week and things have gotten so I'd prefer to get together once a month).

It may very well be that what was important to you is changing and what some relationships provided is no longer nessicary. Sometimes the people are willing to change the relationship and some aren't.

I would caution against complete isolation though. We all need someone we can lean on.


Trinity Annabelle said...

I have no intention of totally isolating myself. Over the past year, since I've gotten much more comfortable with who I am, I've made many good connections with people, and I certainly don't want to give any of those up. And, yes, sometimes I need to lean on others. But as you say, I can withdraw temporarily or partially. Both of those in concert would probably work great.

One other thing that I haven't considered until just now: have them visit me sometimes. I almost always go to the people who I visit; rarely do they come to see me. I'm as important as they are, aren't I? Travel time here in Houston can be a serious consideration, and I'm the only one who has to pay that cost. The only problem with that is that most of my friends are married and have young children, so they're kind of stuck at home with their families, so I'm basically stuck going to them. Otherwise, I'd never see them.

There aren't any perfect solutions. But talking all these things out is helping.