Sunday, August 9, 2009

It's "Beat up on Trinity" time again

I have this terrible habit of beating up on myself. It usually happens whenever there is a new hurdle in my path, and I'm having a hard time even jumping, let alone getting over it. And new hurdles usually coincide with something coming up that I need to work on, that makes me feel less-than-complete.

The current hurdle is my dumb facial hair, which has returned. My course of laser treatment is done, and though I could go back and have them treat the area again, it's probable that there would be very little ultimate change to the areas that remain. The only result is that the completion of getting rid of it would be delayed. So that isn't much of an option.

The only other option - and I knew this would come up eventually - is to find an electrologist, and start a course of electrology treatments. It will be painful, and it will be time-consuming and costly, and all that... but in the end, my goal will be reached, and I will not have to think about it any more. So why don't I just do what I need to do?

Because I'm afraid.

I don't know what is making me so afraid, though. I've been doing various other things with various other professionals: laser hair removal, voice therapy, psychotherapy. I've been out into the wide world, with people who didn't know me at all. I've driven across the country and been my girl-self with a bunch of people I'd never met in the flesh before; more than a couple of them commented how settled I seemed in the girl role. In all honesty, I do feel settled when I don't have to think about all the stuff I have to do. I guess it's when I start thinking about it, is when the trouble starts. Like now.

A friend recently asked if there was something she could do to help. Actually, others have offered the same thing in the past, when I had other difficult steps to take. It would certainly be easy to simply have someone else make the initial call, but how would that really benefit me? I'm not pushing my boundaries, I'm not growing, I'm not improving. It seems like each one of these hurdles is another opportunity for me to break out of the prison of fear that still lives in my heart, even for just a little while.

It seems like every time I write about this, I end up with just as many questions as when I started. I'll figure this out one of these days.


Savascha said...

Stupid wonky net. I wrote you this very long and loving comment I have to now try to re-create. :/ So I read all of your posts tonight when I couldn't get anything more than my browser to work. I looked at the progress of a life time condensed into little over a year and for me, in one night. And it is an amazing transformation my dear. You have become a most beautiful, talented and wonderful woman. You have really blossomed into Trinity. I hope you realize now that other women look at you in jealousy and wish they had bodies more like yours ;) You are a wonderful friend, an incredibly caring person, multifaceted and multitalented. I wish I could sweep away any difficulties from your path, as you've had your share and then some. I hope that the light that you exude when you are happy, will just continue to light it for you. With much love, M

Jubilant said...

"A friend recently asked if there was something she could do to would that really benefit me? I'm not pushing my boundaries, I'm not growing, I'm not improving." Actually hon, I think in your case asking someone for help WOULD be growing and pushing your boundaries and improving. Just a thought. And btw, fear about taking the next step into the unknown is universally human. You are not just well settled in the girl role, you are an inspiration to the rest of us!