Saturday, September 12, 2009

I'm glad that's over...

...whatever it was.

This week was shaping up to be an utter nightmare. It felt like I was sliding right back into the old depression from last year. Late last week was starting to get progressively more difficult; my energy level was low, and it felt like things were piling on once again. I saw my therapist on Tuesday, and we had a particularly difficult session. At one point she asked if I could look in the mirror and honestly say that I loved myself. I paused for a bit before I even opened my mouth, which told us both the real answer to her question.

She suggested that it might have something to do with my aunt's recent visit, and the contrast of her response to me with the rest of my family's responses. She is quite accepting, and even offered to connect me with some distant relatives who also have a trans person in their immediate family. My immediate family, of course, is quite a bit less than accepting. I'm sure that has brought back at least some of the stress that I thought was gone. I mean, it's pretty obvious that my family is having a lot of trouble with me, but it's neither my fault, nor my problem, and yet I keep making it into my problem. I can understand intellectually that it's them, not me, but that doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I think that I might no longer have my family for support once my transition goes further.

On Wednesday and Thursday, my feelings actually seemed to get worse. Wednesday was still just a down time, and I didn't have much interest in anything. During the day, I started answering a list of questions my therapist gave me for homework; they all asked about things with my family, and they weren't pleasant to think about. Once Thursday rolled around, I couldn't sit still. I kept trying to do different things, but I couldn't generate any enthusiasm for anything. I must have cycled through a half-dozen different things in the space of an hour on Thursday evening, and all each new activity did was make me angrier. I ended up just going to bed out of sheer frustration.

But then when I went to C & E's last night... all that bad stuff just evaporated. In the car on the way over, I felt so comfortable and happy; it didn't quite make sense to me. The entire evening was a smiley time, and when I was cleaning up before bed, I felt like it was easy to love myself. Such a huge switch. I'm still at a loss for words about it.

This morning it occurred to me that it could just be a PMS-type thing again, but it seemed to last a bit longer this time, and also came a little too quickly on the heels of the last one. Or maybe I'm not necessarily on a cycle, but have extreme emotional responses to things now, and it will take some time to learn how to deal with them.

Sometimes this whole transition thing is very, very confusing.

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