Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas time

Christmas time and family can be a deadly combination. I saw my family today - all of them - for about ten minutes. It was all I could stand, and I had to get out of there.

I spoke briefly with my brother-in-law, and that didn't go very well. He said that he didn't understand, and that based on his beliefs, he couldn't accept or support me. He said that he would be civil to me. He also said that he felt sorry for me, and that he worried for my safety.

Every bit of that was a knife to the heart. The last person in the family fell right in line with the rest of them, in their dismissal of my identity.

I went off to be by myself for a few minutes, and was intercepted by my mother when I was on my way out the door. I told her that I was going to leave, and when she asked if I would be back for dinner, I slowly replied that I didn't know. I then proceeded to blow up at her a little. My final shot was that if they weren't willing to accept me as I am, then to hell with them all.

It was probably a pretty childish display, but I am so furious with all of them and with their lousy treatment of me. I have had enough of being "tolerated" and "treated civilly", when what I really need is love and acceptance. I've never gotten a huge amount of it from them, even before I was out to them, but the little I used to get is now a distant memory.

I spent most of the rest of the afternoon crying off and on. I didn't return for dinner, and I'm still trying to decide whether I want to go over there tomorrow morning. I should go and see if they have anything worthwhile to say to me, but right now, my anger is telling me to stay far away from all of them.


Jerica said...

Girl I feel for you. I can totally see myself in your shoes and I probably would not have done anything differently. Sorry you have to go thru this and I truly wish you were nearby in WA so you could come to christmas dinner with us. Hang in there, girl. Know that you are not alone, at least. hugs.

Wol said...

Trin, I'm so sorry to hear this. Know that you are loved and accepted, just not there. (And yes, I do know that hearing this won't take away the hurt.)