Friday, December 25, 2009

Ho ho ho

Christmas day is going a lot better than Christmas Eve did. I woke up from the first decent night's sleep in many days, and felt like spending time with my family, regardless of how they have been treating me. And if they treated me poorly, I reasoned, I do have a plan B.

Up, showered, dressed. Kept it simple today - just jeans and a tee, and my new pink All-Stars. Collected gifts and went. Ate breakfast, opened gifts, laughed at the dog. My sister's dog is a riot.

After lunch, I came back home to decompress a little bit, and bake a quick loaf of orange-cran bread. I'm not sure how much decompression I needed, but I did want some time to reflect a bit on what happened this morning.

I've commented a few times to a few different people that I want nothing to do with being in the spotlight. But on the other end of the spectrum, there's being largely ignored, and that's just as hard for me to deal with. Now that I'm getting to a place where I'm comfortable with myself, it's nice to have people recognize that, and in turn feel more comfortable around me, and maybe even comment on it. My family totally failed on that score. For them, my transition is something to be endured, not something to be celebrated. My anger about that has dulled, but is by no means gone. As their antipathy remains, so does mine.

Nobody made any comments, positive or negative, which has both positive and negative aspects to it. They weren't berating me, laughing at me, or making fun of me, so that's good. On the other hand, they weren't being positive in any way, and for a lot of the day, I felt largely invisible. Out of sight, out of mind, right there in the same room with them all. And that's not good.

Perhaps I should have involved them earlier on. Then they would have had more time to become acclimated to the changes. As it stands now, I'm almost at the finish line, and they've only just heard the starting gun. My friends and I have been dealing with all of this stuff for over a year now, so it's getting to be old hat to us - just another part of the day. I'm probably not being as patient as I could be with my family, since they're not up with me.

The other part is the name/pronoun thing. They're using he, him, and the old guy name, which just twists the knife a little each time. It denies my identity, and pushes everything I've been working toward under the rug. My brother-in-law is calling me "Mr. <guyname>", which... I'm not sure if he's doing it out of habit, or out of malice. I didn't want to push it with anyone today, in the interest of not having people freak out, but I think after this, I'm going to start. I'm a she. I'm a her. I'm Trinity.

I guess all I can really do is hope that things get better. And if they don't, I'll keep that plan B open. I've got places I can go, and people who love me.

Everyone have a happy Christmas!

1 comment:

k said...

you have no shortage of places you can go where people love you.