Saturday, December 26, 2009

Post-holiday blahs

It happens every year. The big buildup to Christmas, with all the attendant stress, and when it's all over, it seems like it was all for nought. As the bard said, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

The dumb part is that I knew what was going to happen. I knew my brother-in-law was going to echo my sister's feelings about me. I knew my entire family was going to be indifferent at the very best with my feminine presentation. I knew, and yet I let it make me crazy for, what, two weeks. I haven't slept worth a darn for that long, and it's catching up with me in a big, big way. I've had a low-grade headache for days now. I've developed an itchy and painful case of eczema on my forehead and eyelids, surely from all that stress.

So now I just need to let go of it. I might have hit some kind of point today on that path; all of a sudden, I had absolutely no energy, and just had to sleep. Most of the rest of the day, I've been quite sedate, and I hope I can sleep well tonight. I need the rest.

One of these days, I'll learn that nobody defines me, but me. I'll learn that my happiness doesn't need to depend on the responses of a very specific small group of people. I might even learn that there are other people out there, who do respond well, and I can feel good with their responses to me. I might also learn that happiness can be wherever I find it, and I need to keep my heart open that I might find those new places of joy.

This was all so much easier when I was numb, and didn't care. Apathy was nice while it lasted, but that's no way to have any kind of meaningful life. Easy usually doesn't equate with good or healthy. Now I do care, and things do matter, so I take everything pretty seriously. No grains of salt here. This is my life, and I've had enough with it being numb and worthless. I want it to be awesome, and there are forces which are near to me which seek to make it not awesome. So I just need to recognize those sources of anti-awesomeness as what they are, and eschew them in favor of sources of love and support.

2 comments:

Sinnyo said...

I'm actually quite humbled by your post, so apologies for butting in from nowhere but I felt I should leave.. some sort of comment.

The same thoughts have gone through my head this Christmas. I'm at a stage where although I feel I'm transgender, it's still a secret and so is just lending me scary new insights. I struggle to imagine how hard this time of year can be once the truer you is out there, so I can only hope this sort of anti-awesome energy will pass for you. But I thank you for sharing, and hope I can stick around a while - it seems I'll enjoy reading your articles here. :)

(I found you via the 'interests' search, by the way. 'Huzzah' for Jennifer Boylan!)

Trinity Annabelle said...

I'm glad you came by and felt the urge to leave a comment! I write this as much for others who might find it useful somehow, as for myself.

There are a lot of difficult times for someone on a path like mine. Any time, or anyone can become a painful spot. One just has to know that what they do is what they must do, and have the courage to live that life every day. It's never easy, but so far it seems like it's easier, and I guarantee it's a whole lot more fun, than the alternative. The emotional freedom of being one's genuine self can not be underestimated. I wish you the courage you will need.

And remember, there are others out here. Talk to us. :)