Thursday, December 24, 2009

See me, feel me, touch me, heal me

It's early morning, Christmas Eve. My sister and brother-in-law are coming into town tomorrow, so I will have to face them.

I sent a CD off to my brother-in-law late last week, and hoped it would reach him by Tuesday, or Wednesday at the very latest. It was a recording of me, reading him the coming-out letter that I wrote for him. I do not feel comfortable enough around my sister, to go visit to have the talk with him, so this seemed like the next best thing. He still gets to hear things in my voice, but just lacks the part of seeing me there. In it, in addition to the typical coming-out stuff, I told him that I would be presenting femme at Christmas this year. At the end, I told him that he could call me at any time if he had questions, or if he just wanted to talk to me. I had hoped that he would call, at least just to let me know that he had received the parcel, and listened to it, but I haven't heard a peep.

On the way home from seeing Avatar tonight, E and I got to talking about it, and she assured me that whatever happens, she will not abandon me, and that I always have a place to go with her and C. As we were all going our separate ways, I was talking a bit with K, and my anger with my sister came back in full force. I decided a while ago that if she wants to start something, that I would be out the door, and that would be the last time she would ever see me. I still feel that way, but I just hope it doesn't come to that.

This feels like such an ultimatum point. I hate to call it that, but it's me saying "this is me, take me or leave me, forever". It's going to be hard for me to give second chances. I know I have to let go of my anger, but I can't do that, not when I have no idea how things stand.

Tomorrow I'll know, one way or the other. Tomorrow I'll know if I still have a sister.

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