Saturday, January 31, 2009

Stuff: it's what's happening

OK, I'm in kind of a weird mood today. But it's true, stuff is happening. Stuff, you know.

The laser appointment yesterday went well. Pretty much everything that's not right around my mouth is either blonde or gone, so that barely hurt at all. The upper lip is being the pain, literally. Aloe, aloe, aloe. I feel ok today, and there's no swelling, so things are going well there.

My body is changing too. "Well duh, Trinity," I hear you saying, "you've been on hormones for like a month and a half!" Sure, but intellectually, it's taking me a little bit to realize that, yes, it really is happening. My nipples are still achy, but now they're changing size. The poky part (I'm sure there's a proper name, but I'm not sure what that might be) appears to be getting a little wider. And there's a bit more of a mound to the whole thing so far too.

So, stuff. It happens, whether you're ready for it or not.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Spur of the moment, sort of

It's getting to be time for me to get into the laser clinic for my next laser facial hair removal session. I've been meaning to call all this week, but ended up not doing it until just this morning. Turns out that my procrastination finally yields the Big Win, because the clinic had a cancellation this afternoon, and I grabbed it! So at 4:45, I'll be getting lasered within an inch of my life.

The last session was not nearly as bad as the first, so I'm hoping this one today will be not as bad as the last one. It makes sense that it would be the case; I've got progressively fewer hairs with each treatment, so it follows that there would be less pain, since less dark hairs are transmitting the laser's energy into my skin. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I've got to go shave now, so my skin will have a little time to relax before the treatment. I sooo hate shaving. I'll be really glad when I don't have to do it ever again.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Still here!

It's been quite a while since I've made an entry. Almost two weeks! Shame on me!

I haven't really had a whole lot to say lately. And rather than subject you to content-free posts, I'll just stay quiet. As I told my therapist last week, I'm just "being". I'm still feeling pretty good about myself and how everything is going, and things are just moving along, day by day.

My body feels fine, though my boobs (omg, I'm growing boobs!!!!) switch off from being painful, to being itchy, to being just kinda tingly and weird. Today is a painful day. My nipples have become very firm, and plenty more sensitive, though they haven't really changed in appearance. So I guess that'll be a pretty gradual process. We'll just have to wait and see on that score. My facial hair is probably about as heavy as it's going to get now, so it's probably time to call in and set up an appointment for another laser treatment. It's kind of interesting, that since I'm used to seeing myself with no facial hair, that even with a reduced amount there, it looks like it's soooo heavy. It's probably a combination of how I see myself in my mind's eye, and that I'm getting used to seeing myself in a particular way, and it's very jarring to have that image disturbed.

I'll have another first this week: K will see me in girl-mode for the first time. I'm going to K and L's for dinner on Wednesday, which is the only day they both have off. I've spent some time with L before, and she was excited to see me; K is a lot more reserved, but I'm sure he's pretty excited too. He's one of my very oldest friends, and I've known him for over half my life. The drive over won't be any big thing, but it always causes me a little anxiety when somebody sees me for the first time in girl-mode. And especially since my facial shadow is as heavy as it is.

I'm bringing dessert to dinner, as is my fashion, so I found a really awesome-sounding chocolate-orange cheese tart recipe to make. The recipe says it's very similar to cheesecake, and of course chocolate and orange are two great tastes that taste great together.

I've been trying to come out to one or both of my gaming group, but it's just not been easy. I've had a couple chances, and I just couldn't make myself do it. I think we'll be gaming this Saturday, so I might give it another try.

I recently did a little looking around on the local TG forum, about possibly finding a voice coach/therapist. There were several suggestions to try Melanie Anne Phillips's voice program, and since that will be much less expensive than even a single session with a voice therapist, I thought I'd give it a try. Hopefully that will appear sometime this week, and I can try it out. It can't get me to do any worse than I already am doing, can it?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Double down!

I saw the endocrinologist today, and everything is going well. He doubled my estradiol dosage, so we'll see how that works. As long as I don't get headaches, or dizziness, or increased blood pressure, everything is good. He wants to see me in another 4 to 6 months. I may well have some actual physical development by then! Wheee!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Planning, or lack of same

Whoops. It seems that my endocrinologist didn't quite plan as he should have, or perhaps I didn't catch the hitch in the plan. He wanted to see me again in 6 weeks, which is still two weeks away, and yet only gave me enough hormones to last a month, which is over tomorrow. I called his office this afternoon, and have an appointment for tomorrow. It doesn't seem like it would be good to suspend treatment, just when some of the desperately-desired effects are starting to show themselves. It surely wouldn't be good for my emotional well-being, at any rate.

Other than that, my darned upper lip is once again dark with dumb hair. I'm really beginning to detest this; after a lovely month-plus of nothing at all, it's coming back yet again. It seems quite a bit more sparse, perhaps, than it has been, so that's a nice change. But just the fact that it is back, is immensely frustrating. By the calendar, I'm due for another laser treatment sometime in early February, so I'll give it another week or two before I call. I don't know if the hormones, which the doctor said will likely slow my hair growth, will change things enough to move the schedule back. I need to ask him about it tomorrow, when I see him.

It looks like my sorta-plan for me coming out to another friend this Saturday is coming together pretty well. We've got plans to do something on Saturday, probably seeing a movie. My talk with him probably won't take 15 minutes, so it's not like it'll take up a huge portion of our time together. He'll be confused, but I'm sure he'll be ok.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's official...

The hormones are doing physical things to me. I woke up this morning with an achy right nipple, and now they both ache. That seems to be one of the most common first indications of physical changes that estrogen brings. I didn't expect anything like that for a couple months, but either my body is more receptive to estrogen than the average male-assigned body, or I was just misinformed. Or maybe my dosage is higher than it ought be. Whichever way you slice it, things are happening.

And of course a bad to balance the good... I've got three days of HRT medication left, but a full two weeks until I see the doctor again, and no refills on the prescriptions. I'll need to call tomorrow and see if they can give me a short prescription to last me until my next office visit.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A very good day

I recently got back in contact with somebody who I haven't seen in a few years. We've been trading emails, and I dropped a few hints that "things" were up with me. Well, this afternoon, I ended up coming out to him. The exchange was kind of funny; he kept everything pretty light, and I laughed out loud when I read his response. And it turns out that he knows another trans woman, so he already knows all about the mechanics of what happens. His questions are about me and my social situation, how my family is handling everything, and things like that.

I am continually amazed by the support I get from my friends. I know I really shouldn't be, because friends are people who stand by you because they care about you. They don't take off when things get difficult, or weird, or whatever. And they're right here, with me, every step of the way. And that is awesome.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Random stuff

Huzzah, it's the new year. I had thought of making a "happy new year" post a few days ago, but I didn't have anything really interesting to say. It would have been entirely content-free, so I didn't do it. I was saving you from banality. No, really, you can thank me later.

I'm most of the way through Whipping Girl, by Julia Serano. It's a book not just for trans people, but a book for everybody. She demolishes stereotypes and widely-held beliefs, and also dissects every aspect of why trans people are marginalized and dismissed. I know a college professor who uses this book in his class on gender. My favorite part so far is chapter 16, "Love Rant". I have to quote a short passage from pages 278-279, because it is just that awesome:
My femaleness is so intense that it has overpowered the trillions of lame-ass Y chromosomes that sheepishly hid inside the cells of my body. And my femininity is so relentless that it has survived over thirty years of male socialization and twenty years of testosterone poisoning. Some kinky-identified thrill-seekers may envision trans women as androgyne fuck fantasies, but that's only because they are too self-absorbed to appreciate how completely fucking female we are.
I don't think it's possible to be more bad-ass than that. Julia, you're my new heroine.

On a completely different note, J has been after me for a while to try out some of the social networking sites out there. He's had great success with them, and met bunches of friendly and interesting people, and he says he gets more invites to local meetings than he can possibly manage. I've had this blog for a while now, and also have a flickr photostream. A few days ago, I also began twittering. I'm still figuring things out, but it's kind of neat. I am @adm1nspotter; follow along if you like.

The hormones seem to keep revealing weird minor effects. Lately, I've been craving water, of all things. I have been drinking a whole lot more water than I used to, which is a good thing, of course, endless trips to the bathroom notwithstanding. My appetite is also weird - sometimes I'll wake up in the morning absolutely ravenous, almost to the point of nausea. I'll eat something, take my pills, and it'll be fine. Sometimes I'll be just soooo hungry, yet have no interest in eating anything. Other times, I'll feel bloated and disgusting, like I've just eaten the hugest meal ever, despite the fact that all I ate was, say, a couple of poptarts. I think I have gained a few pounds since starting, so I do need to resume getting some actual exercise.