Monday, October 19, 2009

A new beginning

This afternoon, I had some time between my hair removal appointments, so I took the opportunity to call the surgeon's office, to talk to them about orchiectomy. This has been one of the few definite items on my transition-to-do list, and it has been at the top of that list for a while now, so it was a simple decision to go ahead and schedule the procedure.

This marks a big step forward for me. Up to now, the alterations I've made to myself have either been minor, or can be reversed without much difficulty. This is a very different kind of turning point, because this change can not be undone. It is a rubicon, and there will be no turning back once it is crossed.

Not long ago, I would have been frightened beyond comprehension by such a point, but now it solidifies my resolve to see my path through to the end. I have worked very hard to make it this far, and some possible conclusions to this odyssey are now coming into view. All these tasks I've had to perform and obstacles I've had to overcome... it feels like all these pieces are at last approaching their final places. I am beginning to feel comfort in myself for the first time, as a result of all those pieces. I will not give that up, now that it is within reach. I will not give up. It is within neither my desire nor my power to stop, pause, divert, or change my destination.

Now it is up to me to simply take the step. And take it I shall.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Shifting perspectives

I had a very interesting session with my therapist this week. For the entirety of it, we talked about my family's lack of acceptance, and what it means to me. And what I learned during this session, was something that would have taken me a long time to put together on my own.

I have left them behind.

That was quite a revelation to me. In thinking about it over the past few days, it's exactly correct. I am the one who's moving, changing, growing, and they are not willing to come along with me on my journey. In essence, I have rejected them. I presented myself and my path, and welcomed them to come along with me. They declined my invitation, so they are left to fend for themselves.

As I write these words, they sound so cold-blooded. But they are also absolutely true. I want to make my world into a place that's right for me — something that is well within my power to do — and they're not even willing to allow me to do that. I am long past the time of my youth, when they get to make decisions for me, and so they no longer to have the right to question the way in which I will live.

Many trans people worry, rightfully so, that their families will not accept the reality that is presented to them. It is a very real concern, that any given trans person will lose their family, simply because they want to follow where their heart tells them they must go. The family is the base, from which we all spring. Each person's family is supposed to be there for them, nurturing them, and loving them, and accepting them, no matter what. No matter what.

But "is supposed to be" and "is" are often two vastly different things.

Everyone needs a family of some sort. Since the people I've known as my family up to now are unwilling to take on that responsibility, it's up to me to find a new family, one which does accept and support and love me unconditionally. I do have such people in my life now, and I am grateful for them, every day. It's just such a incomprehensible change that I must now make, that the people who have meant "family" to me for my whole life, will no longer claim that label in my heart. I must welcome my new family members, at the same time I mourn the loss of the old. That will take some time.

The strangest part of this, to me, is the feeling of liberation that I had on the following days. I was no longer seeing myself as being held back by anyone but me. I was able to take a new step, and I can feel another one lurking under the surface of my thoughts. Limitations that were once firmly in place, seem to have fallen away, and I feel like I'm able to consider new directions for my path.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The green-eyed monster

Jealousy.

It's one of the seven deadly sins. It is a destroyer of souls. It is an eradicator of joy and grace and love. It brings out the absolute worst in people, and turns them into caricatures of pettiness and alienation.

And it's come for a visit to my heart.

I know it's terrible for me to feel this way, and it's causing me a lot of stress that I do. A couple of people, neither of whom I know directly, are in very good situations. Both are trans girls, and both have completed their transitions. They're both extremely attractive, and seem to have winning personalities. Both have love and companionship, and seem comfortable and happy with their respective places in life.

And for my part, I have none of those things.

I'm still struggling day by day to figure out just who I'm supposed to be. Some days, like today, I get an "I have absolutely no business doing this" feeling. Other times, it's "I'll never get finished", or "I'll never pass, I'll just look like some dumb guy forever", or some other terrible thoughts. And somehow, I developed these awful feelings about people who I don't even really know, that are completely unjustified. They've probably both been in the exact same place that I am right now, and they might have even had those same feelings then, that I have now.

And as if that wasn't enough, I discovered that I have a terrible, hopeless crush on a girl. Not that most crushes aren't hopeless in the first place; just by their very nature, they're doomed to end in a broken heart. Mine came crashing to a fiery end this morning, and it hurts so much. The tears have been threatening to start all day, but I just don't want to go through that. The worst part is that I didn't even realize how much she meant to me until now, so a lot of these feelings seem like they're coming right out of the blue.

I don't think there's really any solution for me, other than to realize what I'm feeling, and that it is about as unproductive as any feelings can possibly be, and to work through them. It'll take time, and plenty of patience, and probably some tears, and perhaps a willingness to forgive myself.

Monday, October 5, 2009

It's been a while

I came out to someone today, probably the first person I've come out to in a couple months.

It's interesting, I've had that same discussion with a whole bunch of people, and for a while there they were happening pretty often. Now that almost all my friends know, it's kind of fallen by the side, and I'm not really having to do it much any more. Don't misunderstand, I'm glad that people know and all that, but, I don't know, it almost seems like something is missing.

I've heard accounts of people post-transition, who think, "what now?" All the work and stress and so on, and once it's done and gone, what now indeed. Perhaps I've reached some intermediate what-now point.

There are a few more people I need to tell; a few other friends don't know yet, and then all of my extended family on my mom's side are still in the dark. My friends are all here, and it's just a matter of gathering a little courage and doing it. My family is another story. I don't live near any of them, so I think it might be more practical to talk to them over the phone. And based on the reactions from most of my family members so far, I'm not too excited about trying that again.