I spent some time with my mother on Saturday. I hadn't really told her much about what was coming up, and figured I ought, since the things that are coming up are so dramatic. We spent a couple hours talking, though a lot of that time was spent with each of us in our own heads. She's absolutely panicked that I won't come back from the surgery, that I'm going to die. I assured her that I would come back to her, probably as much to settle her fears as to settle my own. And I tried again to explain the why of it all. I might have done a better job this time, or at least given her some decent things to think about. There was a glimmer of understanding behind her eyes.
She also did accept that I am much more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. She said that when the whole family was there over Christmas, she could see it in my body language. Even with all the tension, I was very relaxed with myself.
I still haven't told her my new name. I can't even go there. I just can't. She's going to do that you-killed-my-dog face again, I just know it. I know she probably doesn't mean to do it, but she does. And knowing that it's the things I'm telling her that are making that face... I can't do that. I want her to ask about it; then I would know she's at least considered the idea, and might not completely disintegrate. Right now, though, she's not ready for that.
I did assure her that C and I would keep her up to date while we were away in Chicago. It's the absolute least I can do. She finally seems to be trying, and I can't just gloss over that. Before, I think she was mostly just hoping it was a phase, and would go away on its own. But now that she knows I'm spending a ridiculous amount of money, and heading halfway across the country, and having such a dramatic surgery, that this is 100% real. I also offered that she come with me for my next appointment with my therapist, which I have done before on more than one occasion, but this time she actually accepted.
There were a lot of tears. It seems like most of our interaction is like that now. Hopefully that will ease, now that the big changes are coming to a close. I know that it will probably take a good bit more time, and things may never end up the way they were before. She might need to mourn the loss of her son for the rest of her life. She may never be able to understand or accept that she has a new daughter. Only time will tell.
dead trees give no shelter
2 hours ago