Over the past few weeks, I've been back at work, getting back into the groove of living life. March's convalescence was not a fun experience, and certainly not one that I'd like to repeat. But getting back to a more normal existence has been very comforting. I'm in a far better emotional space than I have been.
Yesterday, I went to a going-away party for my oldest friend K. He recently got a new job, and he needs to move another state for it. The party was basically just family and very close friends of the family, though of the few friends-of-family who had been invited, I was the only one who attended. Most everyone there knew about me, though I hadn't seen most of them since early February, so it was a bit of a new experience for almost everyone. A few took a good look when I first arrived, but most were very cool about me. I just chatted with everyone, just like I normally would. After the mosquitoes chased me inside, I sat with V for quite some time, talking about a bunch of different things. It was a low-key get-together, which is pretty typical for that crowd, and I enjoyed myself and everyone's company immensely.
A few people paid me some lovely compliments, which felt really nice. One was having a bit of trouble, and though he did apologize, that didn't feel quite so nice. One of the younger ones took a good long look when she first saw me, which was a bit unnerving. I wanted to talk to her a little, but I didn't really get a chance; that will have to wait for another time. One of the few who didn't know a thing about my transition didn't recognize me. Somebody related that she commented that me-as-guy would like me-as-girl, since we were a lot alike. When she was told that we were the same person, she apparently didn't even bat an eyelash. So after all was done, it was a very fun and affirming experience.
I think some of the discomfort I've been feeling has been my percieved lack of a safety net. I am still within the first month of really being out in the world, so this is all still very new to me. I haven't really had much of an idea what to expect. My forays out into the world before had been limited, and there was almost always somebody there with me, as a bit of a security blanket or safety net, who could step in and help if necessary. And now I am discovering that I don't seem to really need that safety net - even people who have long considered me as a part of their family don't recognize me, and don't read me at all. That's helping a lot of that baseline anxiety to simply evaporate. In its place, I am starting to feel a general sense of comfort, and I am finally starting feel at home in my own skin.
The Collapsing Empire
1 day ago