Sunday, May 23, 2010

A bit of a rant

My friend K recently emailed to comment that I hadn't written a blog entry in a while, despite the fact that I have twittered about working on a couple posts. And I'd imagine he's not the only one who's curious about my silence, so I thought I would post a sanitized version of it here, for all to read.

The crushing depression has returned.

I have no energy or motivation to do anything. Half the time, I'm on the edge of tears, for no apparent reason. When at work, I go into this auto-pilot mode, and once I leave, it's all a blur. I have all these things that I want or need to do, but can't summon the energy to do any of them. I have piles of dirty laundry sitting around, and can't be bothered to start up the washing machine. I have piles of mail that I desperately want to GO AWAY, and I can't find a way to start cleaning them up. I didn't even file my taxes this year, because I didn't get all the information I needed, and just can't get the motivation to call the people I need to call to get the appropriate information. That's something that could really cause some serious trouble, and I just can't bring myself to care. My twice-daily massages, I am lucky if I actually complete one over a two-day period. I need to make a whole bunch of phone calls to various people and agencies; some regarding name-changes, some to doctors, and others. One of the big ones is to another endocrinologist, who might be able to help with the depression - if my hormone levels are out of whack, adjusting them could dramatically help. The doctor who is currently "managing" my hormones, isn't doing a thing. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he poo-poos my questions. My therapist keeps challenging me "oh why didn't you blahblah" about it, and I'm sick of going to her office only to be scolded for 45 minutes, and paying for that dubious privilege. I'm strongly considering cancelling the appointment that I have with her on Tuesday because I don't want to go through that yet again.

And on top of all that, I go home to the den of squalor that is my apartment every night (which also causes me plenty of stress, since I just can't get the energy to do anything about it), and sit there BY MYSELF. The only single, non-kids-having friends I have are you and L, and you both might as well live on the opposite end of the planet from me. We can't just visit on a moment's notice. Couple that with the treatment I am receiving at work: nobody talks to me anymore, unless they need something from me. I realize that things have changed, but they have not changed that much. I feel like this pariah or something.

And when I'm home alone, sitting staring at the wall, wishing for this all to go away, I can't even get excited about things that I really do love to do. I bake seldom anymore, and rarely practice my drums, and haven't been on the bike in literally months. I've got two half-done sewing projects sitting out, neither of which I've touched in weeks. I have a project car sitting in my garage that I'm strongly tempted to wheel out into the courtyard and SET ON FIRE, just so it will go away.

I'm just so sick of all this, but I feel like it's impossible to start crawling up out of this morass. At this point, it feels like this parasite that just won't die. I am so close to just giving up, but I can't do that. I didn't give up before, so I can't now.


Anonymous said...

I have read that hormones can cause depressions of their own; a pretty selfish thing for them to do, but I hope it is something that can be tweaked. Best of luck getting that sorted; it sounds pretty clear that you'd be better off with a second opinion, or someone altogether different.

I get some minor crushes of depression myself and so I've got no means of addressing that; they seem to come and go with little input anyway. But I will say this - the fact that you're not entirely ignoring the problems you describe is a good thing. Things would be far worse if your feelings prevented you from realising anything outside was going wrong.

For what it's worth, have a comment-hug from me.

laanba said...

Ok, take a deep breath. I can see that you are in a deep hole, but as you said there is no way it could be deeper than what you have already come through. Think of how far you have come!

One step at a time. If you look at all the things mounting up against you it will feel impossible. Focus on one tiny aspect and don't worry about anything else. When that is done focus on another one. Before you know it you will have put one foot in front of another and will be in a different place than you are now.

I would start with the hormone imbalance because I think that is the most vital. I have a big issue with doctors, but every time I find a great one I marvel at all the years I spent with a bad one.

One step at a time.

Anonymous said...

I for one admire that you were able to take this step in your life, fully knowing how hard it would be. I know you'll come out of the other side happier and healthier. Give yourself some more credit, you're already stronger than most people I know.

A tip on laundry, whenever my mother would see me sitting around doing nothing, she'd tell me to just put one load in and go back to doing nothing. It really takes no time at all, and if you're lucky enough to have front loading machines with windows, insta-entertainment :)

Don't worry about the people at work, they're afraid of change like most people. They'll come around, and if not, well it's their loss and not yours.

Chin up!

Emerald said...

Just remember that you have friends. You SHALL overcome this shadow and return to your better self! To paraphrase Vince Lombardi :"Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster woman. But sooner or later, the woman who wins is the woman who thinks she can."

Agatha Macbeth said...

Don't ever give up Trin, Fracture wouldn't be the same without you!

*HUGS* Aggers x

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your suggestions and well-wishes. It's a hard place to be, and it's going to take some time to get out of this awful place. I have made an appointment to get my hormone levels checked, but it's not for a few weeks; I just have to hang on at least until then.