Sunday, June 27, 2010

Big surgeries

It seems like a lot of trans girls with whom I am acquainted are talking and thinking about their various surgeries, particularly the Big Surgery. I've been thinking about it a lot, and... I'm not sure what to think.

It's something that hasn't been on my radar. Like at all. I've just never really had a whole lot of interest in it. But now hearing so many people talk about it, and reading blogs about it, and watching videos about it, and seeing television programs about it, and knowing a few girls who have recently gone through it, it's on my mind. I really don't want to say what is on my mind now, because it doesn't paint a nice picture, but it's how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling pressure to conform.

Nothing overt, certainly. I know that each of us is very clear that every girl's journey is her own, and no two are required to be alike. We all share many similarities, of course, since our respective goals run along the same lines. But all the same, it feels like there's an expectation there. That's one of the things that I'm "supposed" to do, to take that final step. But what is the real source of that pressure? Despite never having interest before, I'm wondering if that's something that I should think about, something that I do need.

It's got me doubting myself. Have I been living under this false assumption all along, that I won't feel completed until I walk across that bridge? Is this something that I really do want, but that I never even knew about?

I've known for a long time who I was. I didn't want to admit it to myself, or to other people, but eventually the anguish just got too much to handle, and I had to move. But nothing was terribly surprising. It was all there, the whole time. But now this new wrinkle seems to be coming out of nowhere, catching me completely off guard.

I've had two surgeries already. The first was not too bad; both the surgery itself and the recovery were quick and reasonably painless. The other has been a long road. The results are very good, but if I had known then what I know now, I may not have gone as far with it as I did. And now I'm wondering if I need yet another surgery? One that I never anticipated?

I'm spooked, I'm scared, and I'm confused. I've already hit a "what now?" point - I've got a fairly strong suspicion that this awful bout of depression from which I may be emerging, is a direct result of that "what now?" feeling - and now I'm wondering if there isn't more to come. Or is it just the depression talking? Am I manufacturing this as a possible route out from under this huge weight?

I can't relate to many of my trans sisters, because I can't talk to them about it. I don't know about it, because I haven't thought that I would go that route. And I can't share their anticipation and joy. Sometimes, I even feel some anger at them. Why must they rub my nose in it? But when those thoughts come, I have to wonder why I feel like they're rubbing my nose in it, even at the same time that I realize they aren't, but just want to share their hopes and dreams with me. This is the part that hurts the most; it once again puts me on the outside of a group to which I rightly belong. I've been fighting against that my whole life, and now it's happening again.

I don't think I'm gaining much insight from writing this tonight, but sometimes it helps to just get some words out.

4 comments:

Sinnyo said...

I've been swimming about this topic myself, having immersed more than usual in fora, blogs and YouTube in order to work new details out in my head.

I think I realised that I would like Moar Surgery surprisingly early on, but I can't yet know what it would mean. I think that for me, it's quite a physical thing, though. Such thoughts can feel a little vulgar, but I think they're worth considering.

The main thing holding me back is my lack of dysphoria down there. Some people grow up with very strong feelings about it, but I can't relate to them and I wonder if that sounds familiar to you.

Anyway, I think the main point I wanted to make is that I hope you don't feel the need to conform. That would be a pretty mean thing to face when gender dysphoria itself is spurred on by a willingness to conform. If you're comfortable, then you're good - 'cos surgery always has its risks, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to expose yourself to those for something you're not committed to.

Jerica Truax said...

Interesting thoughts girl.

I've had boys tell me I'll be a woman when i have the surgery and I tell them: I already am a woman...this is just an anatomical correction.

Part of me is excited to be whole and complete like I should have been from the beginning and yet part of me of course wants to have real sex with my boyfriend as well....and yet the funniest part and I think the part gets me the most is that I want my underwear to fit....no awkward lump that I'm constantly trying to hide...heck even being naked will finally be ok and feel right.

For me, this will also be my first surgery....probably not my last but once again showing that all of us have a different path and different order of things.

Just know girl that you are no less a woman than anyone who gets that surgery, should you decide you don't need it.

Trinity Annabelle said...

Sinnyo, yes, that's exactly it! I have a lack of dysphoria "down there". And regarding those vulgar thoughts, apart from not having a whole lot of interest in thinking them... what else is there?

Jerica, you've given me some more to think about. I do prettyy well with being a girl (I don't feel like I can claim the word woman quite yet), and that's not really something that comes into play in 99.999%+ of what the life of a girl is all about, so it shouldn't matter. Shouldn't. But does it? I just don't know. And as the old saying goes, there is no certainty in life this side of death. Perhaps I should just let the thoughts percolate for a while, and see if time brings any clarity.

Lehn said...

Just remember you dont transition to be some idealized archetype of 'woman' you transition to be yourself. You do what you need to for YOU and no one else.

I FULLY get what you mean about feeling the need to conform. Ive been dealing with this myself with regards to some of the other surgeries. Recently, one that I never anticipated ever wanting has come out of nowhere and is constantly on my mind.

Anyway, if you ever do want to talk about said surgery, feel free to ping me sometime. I try and be as non-biased as I can. But I might be able to let you know my thoughts on where I was coming from when I got it and sort of... how i feel about it all now.